Apparently turkeys will, starting next week and up until two weeks prior to Christmas, be either, Extinct or $5072 a pound. Why else would all the grocery ads have us finding the Calculator function on our phones to determine which store has the cheapest turkey? Because, you know, it’s all about the price per pound of good ol’ Dead Tom Turkey–everything else is just, well, gravy. (Like you wouldn’t have said the same thing?)

“Turkey 32 cents/lb!!*

“Turkey 49 cents/lb!!!”**

“Turkey 53 cents/lb!!***

Turkey $1.19/lb!****

Scanning down to the bottom of the 7th page of the circular, we read:

*Price valid with additional $379.00 of same purchase excluding green beans, Durkee onions, sweet potatoes, cranberries, canned pumpkin, bakery items, dinner rolls, butter, antacids and wine.

**Price valid with additional $153 same purchase transaction excluding frozen foods, carbohydrates, fresh produce, prepared foods, butter, antacids and wine.

***Price valid with additional $57 same purchase transaction excluding ham, canned goods, soda, sparkling juice, sparkling water, bottled water, butter, antacids and wine.

****Price valid with additional okay seriously? This is the Aldi ad. Just show up and purchase whatever the hell you want. Happy Thanksgiving!