The Perfect Family’s Christmas Letter 2016

You know the one. It arrives the day after Thanksgiving. The envelope is double foil lined, the picture of the kids resembles a Gap ad, and the Holiday Letter comes with a warning: Caution! May cause blurred vision, severe feelings of gross inadequacies and nausea. Do not drive motor vehicles or operate heavy machinery while reading this letter. See your doctor if symptoms worsen or you have the sudden urge to go on a Chocolate Binge.

Dear Family, Friends, Former Family Members and Friends who by now should regret no longer being our family or friends–

Whew! Another superb year in the Rinehart Household!

My annual January Spa Getaway was divine! I’ve been given clearance to disclose Michelle joined me for the 7th year in a row!!! Once again, she wanted to bring the girls but I put the kibosh on that. I mean come on, this is MY time to relax and energize after a stressful domestic year. Do you know what it takes to arrange for my personal assistant to arrange for private flights and limo service to get Buffy back to college? I’m going to have to hop Shell up on extra martinis before I break the news that this is her last trip. I mean, Melania is already hinting she wants to join me and who can blame her?

February: ScottiePoo decided it was high time I got over my fear of down hill skiing. I mean, it’s been decades since those handsome men in the red vests skied my stretcher down the mountain. So anyhoo, he loaded me, my closest friends, the kids, their closest friends and our sports medicine psychiatrist on our jet and whisked us off to our teenie weenie chalet in Vail. Which he bought last year. (Not the Chalet, Sillies! The town!) I still don’t know what I did to scare off the therapist, but I sure did enjoy watching the lady I paid to ski in my place.

March: Once again, both Buffy and Junior skipped their spring break trips to Europe to jet over to one of those Third World Countries we hear about on the evening news. This time, (remember that flip flop shoe drive for Ghana a few years back?) they collected gobs of Polio and Mumps vaccines for the adorable little dark children. Johnny wanted to go but we told him he was still too young. Wouldn’t you know that determined, soft hearted boy used his allowance to hire someone to go in his place! How sweet is that?!?

April took us, once again, to the beautiful mountains of Virginia where we so enjoyed the annual spring horse show at Sweet Briar College. Not only was this emotional as it was Buffy’s senior year, but , dear Lord have mercy, we’d just come off that horrible quasi fiasco of those pompous, misogynistic good old southern boy jerk wads (and that singular alumna traitor (pssst: It was the college president’s wife!!!!) trying to close down dear SBC. Ha! My they never again underestimate the power of smart women. Or any woman. (Except the aforementioned traitor) Scottiepoo was so appalled at the actions of these horrible men (and that one woman) that he funded not only the balance due for the recent library expansion but also a completely “green” dorm complex for incoming freshman named after our yet to be born future granddaughter!

May: We flew straight from campus to London for the christening of Kate and Will’s super adorable daughter. Once again poor Johnny was stuck celebrating his birthday away from home. Luckily, little George has taken a shine to him, so Kate and Will insisted on hosting Johnny’s party at the castle. Goodness, even the Queen got in the act this year, gifting Johnny with a direct heir from one of her prized Corgis! Johnny named him after the young prince.

Ivanka and I have been spending so much time together this year, what with the campaign and special dress design sessions, I think Mel was feeling a wee bit left out so I sent her a teeny weenie reminder of our upcoming spa vaca—the campaign trail is sooo stressful.

Without a child graduating from, We’re Smarter Than You Academy this June, we were able to leave for our house in the Hamptons several weeks early! For the second year, (OMG!) Junior arrived from Harvard with his girlfriend, Miffy, in tow! I “might” have already talked to Kate M. about loaning Miffy her wedding gown. But you didn’t hear that from me!

While we were sad to see them leave the Hamptons so soon, we were so proud of Junior and Buffy for volunteering on a mission trip to Haiti. Then again, how much yachting, shopping and golfing can one do during the summer? Again, Johnny was bummed he was too young to serve humanity with his brother and sister but he did enjoy his time as a Jr. counselor trainee at the sailing camp for inner city youth. He even brought along and then, wait for it! DONATED his own fleet of boats!

Oh my goodness–August was a whirlwind of back to school details! I can’t believe our baby Little Johnny is starting his first year on the upper school campus at WSTY Academy! Buffy, as usual, was busy getting her wardrobe and horse ready to return to Sweet Briar and Junior getting his Jag serviced for the drive back to Harvard for his Senior Year—eeeek! Once again Vera whipped up the most adorable dorm room furnishings for Buffy–a virtual explosion of Lily Pulitzer pink and green monogrammed Heaven!

As usual, nothing says Labor Day like our annual BBQ and Scrabble Tournament at Kennebunkport! Laura is as sweet and gracious as ever. Plus, I’ve finally perfected my ability to let the President win. Speaking of the President, you should see the portrait of me he painted this year! Tickets for viewing are available for purchase at SeeKiki.com.

As you know, Johnny and his fellow Scouts have a rich history of forgoing trick or treating to instead collect food and toiletries for the Domestic Violence Women’s Shelter. They followed suit from last year’s highly successful experiment by also collecting and donating a great selection of reliable cars, smartphones and security guards to give the ladies and children an extra layer of safety, security and freedom.

We were so blessed to have the entire family home for Thanksgiving! Again, Junior brought Miffy and her Chihuahua, Brutus. Buffy brought her roomie Bunny whose parents were, again, out of the country doing something with some embassy or something. Anyhow, it was fun to have a full house and guest chateau!

And here we are, December again! While it took us away from our specially grown Frasier Fir trimming at the White House, we wouldn’t have missed Senator Glenn’s private memorial service for the world. Every maid we’ve ever had has said what a privilege it’s been to dust our moon rocks.

Scottipoo and I are, as always, humbled our children’s lists for Santa are selfless and brief: World Peace, An end to domestic violence and for Daddy to be a most somber, objective, patriotic and helpful advisor to Uncle Donald.

God bless us Everyone–Kiki, Scottiepoo, Junior, Buffy and Johnny

 

 

 

 

 

 

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