Captain’s Log for December 4, 2002
I have been informed of a strange earth custom, practiced mainly by Americans. More than an ordinary holiday, it brings to the average school child a euphoric sense of glee and liberation. I can only compare it to the earthling behavior previously observed on Christmas morning.
The parental units do not view this strange earth custom with the same joy as the children. Again, like Christmas morning, they appear weary and dreadful, as if they’ve stayed up all night assembling a bike and double mortgaged the house to pay for it.
The other similarity between the human celebration of Christmas Day and this newly observed strange earth custom is— the weather. It is cold; with odd shaped crystal like particles floating in the air and coating the earthen surface until even it looks pristine. It is similar in consistency to meteor ash but much tastier when caught on the tongue.The name of this strange earth custom, Spock informs me, is, A Snow Day.
I intercepted the electronic communications of two ordinary American suburban housewives to learn more about this Snow Day phenomenon.
Subject line: HELP!
Write about one of these days all of us moms dread…. Snow Days. Of course it would be one thing if our kids could actually go outside and play in snow. It’s just ice now. Mine are inside driving me crazy and making the dog wilder than usual… if that’s possible. I’m already looking for the Advil and it is only 10:30. Pray for me. Deneen”
“Deneen, I’m making my kids work on school projects that are due next week. I’ll send them to your house when they’re done. Oh! Look out your window; it’s starting to snow! Love, Karen”
“Karen, You’re not funny. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve yelled to the kids because I thought the roof was falling in. I have half the neighborhood kids in this house. They keep coming over. I’m sending them out into the snow now. Deneen”
“Praise the Lord, Neener! I think I hear Snow Plow Man making his way into the neighborhood. There is a God.”
“Dear Karen, you’re hallucinating. That was the UPS truck which is nothing to get excited about since they don’t wear brown shorts in this weather.”
“Um, Neener, have you seen my kids? I’m not kidding. I came out of the bathroom and found three wet gloves, one shoe, two hats, an icicle and muddy dog prints scattered across the kitchen floor. The back door is wide open and their unfinished poster boards are flapping in the breeze. How much Advil do you have left? Karen”
“Stay away from my Advil, woman! Do you take bottles away from babies too? Unless of course you have some Chardonnay you’re willing to share.
“It’s out on the back deck keeping chilled. But Deneen, my girl, get a hold of yourself. It’s only 2 O’clock.”
“Listen smarty pants, you obviously haven’t heard they’ve cancelled school again tomorrow.”
“Time stands still on a Snow Day. Your place or mine?”